Turn Your Light on!

I look at the man in front of me in astonishment and can not believe what he was saying. After all the years we’ve spent together, after all I have done just to know that he’s fine, that he’s happy….

I can not find my words. I am angry, cry, and I don’t understand anything anymore. My life, our life is breaking piece by piece every day. Life has become a torment since I told him that I wanted to leave the places where we have lived for several years. That I no longer want to stay where we are, and I want to return home … to my country.

The torment begins the moment we open our eyes. The day starts with arguments and ends with them. All I hear are accusations that I do not take care of my partner’s happiness, and am not submissive, as the church says….

I would not have believed until then that after all the years we have spent together, for better or worse, after everything we have been through, I would be told that I don’t want him to be happy. I didn’t think the man next to me could be so selfish. I didn’t think he couldn’t see and understand that I wanted something different from what he wanted.

I couldn’t believe you are guilty and accused if you dare to tell your partner what you want. I was haunted by the same questions every day: What did I not do right? What should I have changed? When was the right time to change something? Is it wrong to be honest? Is it wrong to say what you want? How can I convince him that it is not my intention to leave him, but it was my wish to return…?

I felt like I was crying in front of a closed door. That my life could end right then and there if I didn’t make a decision, even if it was just my own…. Even if that decision meant the end of the relationship. If I don’t let myself be guided by the voice that wants to come to light.

In a few months, we have become two strangers living together under one roof. I understood that as long as I didn’t do what he wanted or how he wanted, I was guilty of everything he wanted and said he didn’t have. Then, I decided and assumed the consequences regardless of what they were…

In life, we fall and cry, waiting for someone’s mercy, or we fall, and cry and rise. It is our choice.

Crying too much, you end up asking for mercy from those around you. You become a victim, and you like being where you are. It becomes a comfortable place. It makes you feel safe. But is there such a thing as safety?

Among the tears and hiccups, I understood that I cannot do what others want just to please them. I’ve learned that sitting and crying in front of the closed door, in time, you become frustrated, victimize yourself, look for others to solve your problems, and you look for a dependency on something or someone. You are prone to diseases.

By rising, you learn that every failure means lessons to be learned. You understand the lessons are yours, and no matter how much help you get, you are the only one who can stand up for yourself. You learn that you are the one who needs to understand where your pain is coming from and begin to see that life can not be lived crying in front of closed doors.

What you want to do and what you can do, are limited only by what you can dream.

Mike Melville — Astronaut


Life is lived by trying every door in front of you. By trying to become curious to see what else life has in store for you. Doing this even many times, you become stronger and more confident. You become your best version.

The more you fall, and rise, the more you will not be scared of failures. You can rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. You start understanding it is the way to learn that you can change the path you were on. That you can make other choices in life. The choices take you down perhaps untrodden roads, but you learn that it is good to be curious to discover new things and to see your uniqueness.

We say some people are beacons of light to others. But to get there, you need to rise yourself up every time you fall and keep going. You need to go with no fear through the darkness that surrounds you. To leave forgiveness and kindness behind you. To turn your light on.

You will meet people who will help you, who can guide you to get rid of your inside baggage, but only you can reveal the light beyond the doors of the soul. You are the one who can turn on the light on your life’s path!

Published: https://medium.com

Love, Manuela

Copyright © 2016-2023 manuela@inalove.world


13 thoughts on “Turn Your Light on!

  1. Oh, my dear Manuela. I’m so sorry to hear about this! 😓

    As an advice from my life experience, you can’t expect people to match your thoughts and ideas. People get comfortable, they mend with the community and gradually become one.

    But that’s also OK and I think you’ve done a great thing by letting him know what you think. Hiding your feelings won’t get you far, if anything they can create illness and keep you stuck.

    We all have a purpose and sometimes this may mean that we have to part ways with the ones we loved and stayed by our side for years. And that’s OK, it means that we have filled our cup and it’s time to move on.

    You have to water your soul firstly in order to do the same for others. If your soul tells you something, listen to the message. It may lead you to your divine purpose, where you’re needed and where you’ll shine.

    Always stay true to yourself and keep being your greatest version. And talk to God, see what He has to say about this. You’ll receive strength you didn’t know you had 😉🥰❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much for your kind thoughts, Katherine! It happened many, many years ago. If you read the whole text, you will see that it was just an example from my life (as the previous one), and use it to encourage others to see beyond what we call “bad experiences”, because we are our best version every day. Moreover, in my opinion, you cannot get strength from outside you vs a God, as long as you do not get rid of your inside baggage. ❤🔆🌈

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Ahh, it was just that your description felt so present and it felt as if those wounds were still open.
        I loved your overall opinion and the way you survived it all. You’re a hero! ❤️
        In my view, the strength comes only from within and God helps us to cleanse every old baggage left. We just have to accept it.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much for your kind thoughts! It happened many, many years ago, and was just an example from my life (as the previous one), and use it to encourage others to see beyond what we call “bad experiences”. ❤🔆🌈

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing this Manuela, what a wonderful description of the pain felt when what we want isn’t what others we thought we would share everything with want.

    I always thought my husband and I would want the same things, but lately I’ve felt a pull to move back to be closer to our own families (which would mean uprooting the family we’ve made together) but he is comfortable where he is and so very resistant. It hasn’t caused arguments yet, but I do wonder what will happen if I continue to feel the pull to ‘home.’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are more than welcome!
      I think you will continue to fill the “pull”, because it comes from your inner world. It is like your soul’s cry to follow its path and every obstacle that logic finds increases the inner pain and frustrations. You don’t know what your life’s path holds for you, but you do not feel comfortable in your skin until you follow your heart.
      We are taught that a marriage lasts “until death”. We are not taught what happens when a spiritual evolution occurs. One will understand and follow the other, or he will resist (as it was in my case) and there will be a breakup.
      Talk to each other and be honest with each other. Do not be afraid of consequences, because everything happens for a reason.
      You can also write to me privately (if you feel the need). I am happy to help anyone who asks me for help.
      Thank you for your thoughts and kindness!


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