I can tell you thank you

I can tell you “thank you”

Growing up with only one parent, you think of yourself as a child who did something wrong, sometimes… Though, how to live without that important part of your life as one of the parents is? Can you tell “thank you” to the parent who does not want to be part of your life?

Some fathers have been sons, many sons become fathers, but some have forgotten what they were, and there is no one to explain to the others what they will be.

– Jose Saramago

Mom and Dad are the first persons who should write together the first chapters of the child’s life. Chapters, from which trust and self-esteem are born. Although, what does it happen when one is missing from the child’s life?

May I tell you, thank you?

As a child, I would have liked to know you, so that I could grow up with a model near me, without looking for one among strangers. To meet you to get to know me better and to find my way in life more easily.

If I listen to some people, you have only weakness because you did not want to raise your child. Listening to others, you have qualities. How may I know them? You have decided that it is easier for you if your son will grow up without you getting involved. Then, how to know you?

As a child, I considered myself being punished for living without a father because I am a bad child. This is how I knew that “sinners” are punished. Was a sin that I was born?

I grew up with the illusion that one day you will come to be part of my journey. Or maybe, someone will take your place. Thus, I was asking each relative who was visiting us “Do you want to be my father?”

Besides, when my mother could not fulfil the father’s role, I read or asked strangers, because you were not around me. Can I tell you “thank you”?

You have not been around me

When I’ve fallen while learning to walk. You didn’t hear me telling stories as I knew them. You weren’t there to help me get up when I was beaten or bullied. Not even when I had nightmares or fever.

You haven’t been near me when I was crying, for I wanted to see you. Even if you would know, you will not understand what it is like to cry a river of tears asking “why does not he come to see me?” Even when I was looking at the children running into their parents’ arms. How they hugged or jumped their children on their shoulders.

You will never know how much I wanted you to know that you are dead than to accept that you did not want me in your life. Maybe, I could easily get over your absence in my life.

Also, you weren’t near me when I needed you to warm my frozen hands. When I needed you to teach me how to ride my bike, roller skates or rollers.

You were not near me when I learned to swim or dance. Not even to support me when I went to competitions. Not even when I needed to know how to conquer a girl’s heart.

Yet, because I was not a bad child, I always found strangers who helped me. They supported and encouraged me. They were more fond of me than you were, “father”.

A child looks up at the stars and wonders. A great father puts a child on his shoulders and helps them to grab a star.

― Reed B Markham

I wished you could help me grab my star, father.

What would I have wished?

I wished you dared to come and see me, but you let the years pass as if we have all the time in the world.

To be near me when I learned how to write and read. To run into your arms to show you what I can do.

I wished I shared with you the few gifts I received from Santa. To feel the warmth of your hug.

You haven’t been there to make me feel safe. You weren’t there to see that

There’s nothing that moves a loving father’s soul quite like his child’s cry.

– Joni Eareckson Tada

Growing up, I was looking for you to know why you didn’t want me in your life. I found only a thick wall called selfishness and lack of interest.

What have I learned without you?

For many people, children are gifts. For some, they are burdens. I learned that you belong to the second category.

I have learned that some people want their children and cannot have them. Others have children and abandon them. Also, you are still in second place.

My life made me understand that wishes become true, if I want to and take action for. Thus, I know you because I have wanted to.

I learned that an adult remains a frustrated child if he will not change himself. If he will not take action to pursue his dreams.

I learned to become independent and be responsible for my actions.

Now, after meeting you, I can’t say that you are dear to me. Instead, I learned not to hate you. I don’t even miss you anymore. I feel you like an obstacle in my path if you would be close.

Moreover, I learned that you will never know that being proud of me would have made you proud of yourself. Instead, I am proud of the man I have become.

Maybe, one day, I will have sons who will tell me “dad” just as I could never tell you that word.

Now, I can tell you “thank you” for everything I have learned without you, for you have not been part of my life.

A son

(to whom others have explained what to be a son is like and what to be a father will be like.)

Photo by Bessi from Pixabay

With Love,

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