November 10, 2017
Do not listen too closely to anyone about your body, or your love, or what it is for. Not even me.
For when we talk about your desire for someone and you see me clutch my heart in a moment’s terror, it is not because I do not want you to love, it is because I want you to have the best there is.
It is because I can feel your heart and how alive you are, and I want nothing more than you to receive the heart and soul you so easily shine in the world.
It is because you are achingly beautiful in every way someone can be. And you deserve to be shown it by those who are lucky enough to get the chance to show you.
Know this: love is not always what you thought, it is so much more.
Love is the first time you discover the deep goodness of your body. How to use your finger tips, your tongue, the bend in your arms, the width of your hips, the sweat of your skin, the sweetness of your yoni. You will swear you never knew what it all was for, until the moment you do.
Love is walking around with lightning underneath your clothes. You never thought a touch could be quite like that, and you will feel it shoot through every inch of your body. Attracting you to what wakes you up and can shut you down, as if someone finally turned on the light switch of the sun and then shut it off just like that.
Love is the ocean. Some days you will float on it on your back laughing, feeling its shimmer deep in your bones. You will swear that you finally met God. You will get that you are so utterly adored and deserve kindness because of and despite all of your ways. That’s what love does: it opens up the whole world and makes anything feel possible, because it is.
Other days you will get hit with wave after wave and be left gasping for air. Wondering why you signed up for this to begin with, and consider leaving and keeping your heart safe and tucked in and away.
The thing is: your heart is never safe, baby. For what feels safe is actually a quiet coffin, no great risk but no great joy either, and the body is not meant to lie cold and lifeless.
Yes, you will love love, and you will hate love.
You will shake your fist at it for being the cruel teacher it can be. You will bury your face in it and cry until you have no tears left.
You will wait outside of love’s door and stay there all night, even when you have to wake up early in the morning. You will be deliriously and happily exhausted for love.
Love will watch you undress and barely be able to breathe at the sight of you.
Love will yearn for you and not be afraid to hunger for you through their eyes, the way they listen, the way they let themselves smile at the thought of you.
Love is a fire turned on in your body, and no matter how many cold showers you take, the fire burns on.
Love does not always stay.
Regardless of what you hear, love sometimes fucks things up. Forgets you, themselves, the gift of the person you are. Love might not let themselves love you like you deserve.
It is not your job to mend this love, to ask it Why, to endure the confusion, to send out convincing arguments, request more fair agreements, write long letters in the sky hoping that they understand the magic of who you are.
You cannot teach someone to love you just as you cannot will the sky to be blue; it just is. They show up as they are. And you will know who they are by how they make you feel time and time again.
You cannot plan the path of love or the love that stays or goes.
You can only speak your truth and express what you need, with nothing held back. Clearly and heartfully. If you are not receiving what you are giving, it is your responsibility to your own soul to leave. Love will always love you, but it might not be able to show you.
Try to not let that get in the way of your joy.
When you forget the power of who you are because love has forgotten too, give it a few days, a week tops in pajamas, while you wallow. Then ask God to show you just how much you are loved. And really let that in. You will watch as the whole Universe falls in love with you over and over again.
When love stays, it will piss you off and say the things that no one else will say, right to your face. Love will demand a level of power and presence from you that you’ve never experienced before. The showing up and speaking up, even if you’re scared, even if you do not know what to say or exactly what to do.
You will feel a bit out of control and nervous in the presence of love, because the best of you will be demanded. For love knows just how incredible you are, and will settle for nothing less. And this is wonderful holy chaos.
The silence and sunsets together will be immense, and the quiet will bring you just what you need.
And remember: whether love is here or it is gone, you are strong, and I do not worry that loss could break you or make you less. I know it will make you more.
Here’s to always letting love make you more.
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