Dr. Lisa Vallejos
From Rebel Circus
Ah, divine love. Who wouldn’t want this amazing experience? Who wouldn’t want to touch the face of another and feel as if you’re touching the face of God him/herself?
Slow down, though. The idea is so addicting and appealing that it’s easy to want it so bad that we make bad decisions along the way. I first came across the theory of Twin Flames a number of years ago when a storefront psychic told me that the guy I was dating was my twin. Turns out, he was a raging narcissist and anything BUT a twin flame. At that point, I dismissed the idea of twin flame as spiritually wrapped garbage. Then, I read a book called “Uncommon Bonds” by Jeff Brown and it changed my perspective. It changed my perspective because some spiritual “guru” who started a blog, read some other blogs and came up with a theory didn’t write it. Someone who had actually done academic research on this topic wrote it. As an academic myself, I was intrigued and began to look deeper into it. Brown’s work was based on the work of Jeanne Achterberg and Virginia Hine, and Achterberg coined the term “uncommon bonds”. These connections are transcendental and feel predestined to the people involved. There are many signs and synchronicities that come with this connection, as if meeting were predestined. These connections are not without challenges, however, because such a deep love also brings up deep wounds that require healing. That is why many of these relationships are rife with challenges, and may include many instances of coming together and parting ways. Brown says, “Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first”.
A true Twin Flame connection may be filled with challenges and may cause some pain but it drives you deeper within.
The pain caused often drives people within — it illuminates all the ways in which you have been hurt and continue to carry those patterns within you. It shines a light on your hidden addictions, the ways in which you have abandoned yourself and all the ways you have learned to cope with life that no longer serve. This relationship pushes you toward the Divine and invites you to heal anything that is a barrier to giving and receiving love. This connection is like entering a refining fire; in the fire, all impurities are burned away and you emerge purified. The true twin can hear your truth, and you can hear theirs (even if it’s hard). They can self-reflect and although they may not immediately grow, you will see progress as time passes.
A narcissistic relationship, on the other hand, doesn’t do any of that.
The narcissist energetically zaps you — they take everything they can get from you and when they have emptied you, they drop you like a hot potato (because they will already have someone else on the hook). The narcissist will play with your emotions, manipulate you, and unlike a true Twin, they will not look within to determine why they are behaving the way they do. They will admit no wrongdoing, take no responsibility and will simply continue to bury their pain under a false façade of self-confidence, charm and success. They have a false image that they project out to the world…and they believe their own lies.
If you are wondering about your connection, ask yourself “does this person inspire me to be better”? Ask yourself if you feel like they are genuinely able to hear you, or if you feel like a pawn on their chessboard. Examine if they are capable of self-reflection or if their default is to deny, deny, deny. Those are some clues that will lead you to determine the nature of the connection.
Regardless, it is of paramount importance that you focus on your self-love and self-respect. In any connection, divine or otherwise, you are in charge of what you accept from others. You can’t control how they treat you, but you can control what you allow. Self-love means honoring yourself, respecting yourself and holding others accountable when they aren’t behaving properly. It may even mean walking away if things are too unhealthy for you to tolerate….even if they are your Twin Flame.
Dr. Lisa Vallejos