Dr. Nandi Hetenyi
May 10, 2019
It’s detrimental to one’s health to not feel loved, safe or wanted.
These aren’t limiting beliefs that the mind can course correct. In fact, attempting to do so can cause even further harm and inner alienation.
It creates more shame when our deeper lived or felt experience doesn’t go away with mindset tricks, or the external results by which we measure these things don’t manifest themselves. We end up perpetuating the very circumstances that lead us to feeling unwanted, unloved or unsafe to begin with.
After all, how safe or loved can you feel if you are constantly negating the deeper truths of lived experiences trying to be communicated to you and metabolized by your deeper body?
There can be core energetics within the mother, family or the greater system at large that communicate that there is a lack of safety, that is unwelcoming, critical, negative or lacks nurturing. It can be cold or rejecting. Absent. Or actually scary.
To a child, neglect can also feel scary, especially if there is a lot going on in the family, like depression or divorce or death. If a child has to caretake at a young age, they never learn their inner boundaries or have the space to cultivate their imagination or feel that they can truly exist as their own creative energy.
Trauma is anything that was too much for the system to handle.
Cumulative experiences can be internalized as not being wanted, not feeling loved or not feeling safe. It gets wired into our nervous systems, and it is the way we experience the world, a kind of lens.
So, no matter how much we try to override it with positivity or trying to convince ourselves we are loved and belong when that doesn’t feel true, it’s not helping. It negates the very real fact that we do not actually belong everywhere, that we are not actually wanted everywhere, and that not every place is safe for us. We could actually live in a way that puts us at risk by doing this.
In a culture that supports suppression, the more we suppress, the more anxiety there is.
Anxiety can be a defensive strategy that kicks in when our system is full of feelings that are dangerous and unwanted, ones we do not know how to give proper care to. We feel generally scared of ourselves and life.
And, there are millions of people who suffer from anxiety. Anxiety about themselves. About their feelings. About the future. About how all the affirmations or manifesting techniques aren’t working. Fear of dying. Anxiety about really breaking free and truly living.
We’ve become a culture that would rather feel anxious than feel our true emotions or honor our truth.
Truth and grief have been the exact cure for my own anxiety over the years. We fear these things because we are afraid of changing. That fear of change keeps us trapped in the trauma loop that we name as a limiting belief, but was actually a lived experience that would like to be metabolized and free up energy in your body.
Grief is the liberating energy that does that. Grief is love.
You are not a victim if you grieve and honor the truth of all that you have survived. It is loving. You have survived a lot. Your body has survived a lot. Your heart has survived a lot, including yourself. You deserve your own love.
Grief is a healing balm. It allows us to let go via acknowledging the lived truth that we were not safe, that we were not loved in the way we needed, or that we were not wanted. The mind is what makes that mean something about us, and wants to dismiss the entire case as a story.
But grieving what was lived and what was true liberates your heart to be present… to begin the story of belonging to you — the safest, most beloved belonging of all.
Dr. Nandi Hetenyi