Mom and dad are the first or among the first words, a child learns when he starts talking. At the same time, they are words whose meaning will be understood much later in life by some, and not by others because they did not have to opportunity to know them. I am talking about children who grow up with one parent because the other one has decided that it is better to live without responsibilities or orphaned children who for some reason do not have any of his parents in their lives. Could they say thank you to the missing parents? Can I tell you “thank you?”
Mom and Dad are the first persons who should write together the first chapters of the child’s life. Chapters, from which trust and self-esteem are born. Yet, what happens when one is missing from your life?
When you grow up with only one parent, and you think that you did something wrong, that you are a bad child … Though, how to live without that important part of your life as it is one of the parents. Can you thank the parent who does not want to be part of your life?
Some fathers have been sons, many sons become fathers, but some have forgotten what they were, and there is no one to explain to the others what they will be.– Jose Saramago
May I tell you, thank you?
This is a letter I am writing as an adult. Now, I know what I do because of other people who were around me but you.
If I listen to some people, you have only flaws because you did not want to raise your child. Listening to others, you have qualities but how do I have to know them? You have decided that it is easier for you if your son will grow up without you getting involved. Then how to know you?
As a child, I would have liked to know you, to grow up with a model near me, without looking for one among strangers. To meet you to get to know me better and to find my way in life more easily.
Being a child, I considered myself that I am punished for living without a father because I am a bad child. This is how I knew that “sinners” are punished. Was it my sin that I was born? Was your lack of presence in my life my sin?
I grew up with the illusion that one day you will come to be part of my journey. Or maybe, someone will take your place. Thus, being a child, I was asking each relative who was visiting my mother and I “Do you want to be my father?”
Besides, when my mother could not fulfil the role of father, I read or asked strangers, because you were not around me.
You have not been around me
While learning to walk and falling you were not around me. You didn’t even hear me telling my first stories as I knew them.
You weren’t there to help me get up when I was beaten or bullied. Not even when I had nightmares or fever.
I am sure now that you will never understand what it is like to cry rivers of tears asking “why does not my father come to see me?” You will never know how many tears I cried when I was looking at my friends running into their father’s arms. How I was aching when they hugged or jumped their children on their shoulders. Where was my sin?
You weren’t near me when I needed you to warm my frozen hands. When I needed you to teach me how to ride a bike, use roller skates or rollers.
You were not near me when I learned to swim or dance. Not even to support me when I went to competitions, to laugh and be happy for my prizes. Not even when I needed to know how to conquer a girl.
You will never know how much I wished to know you dead than to accept that you did not want me in your life. Maybe, I could easily get over your absence in my life.
Yet, because I was not a bad child, I always found strangers who helped me. They supported and encouraged me, for they were more fond of me than you, “dear father”, was.
A child looks up at the stars and wonders. A great father puts a child on his shoulders and helps them to grab a star.― Reed B Markham
What would I have wished?
I wish you could put me on your shoulders and help me grab my star.
I wish you dared to come and see me, but you let the years pass as if we have all the time in the world. When crying and asking to see you, you weren’t near me. Not even for my birthdays.
You haven’t been there to make me feel safe. You weren’t there to see that
There’s nothing that moves a loving father’s soul quite like his child’s cry.– Joni Eareckson Tada
I wish you were near me when I learned how to read and write. I wish you were there to run into your arms to show you what I can do. To show you my drawings or to make together presents for my mum.
To share with you the few gifts I received from Santa. I wish you were with me to feel the warmth of your hugs.
Growing up, I was looking for meeting you, to know why you didn’t want me in your life. I found only a thick wall called selfishness and lack of interest.
What have I learned without you?
For many people, children are gifts. For some, they are burdens. I learned that you belong to the second category.
I have learned that some people want their children and cannot have them. Others have children and abandon them. Also, you lost first place.
I was told that wishes become true, if I want to and take action. Thus, I wish to know you became true because I have wanted to. In that way, I learned that an adult remains a frustrated child if he doesn’t do something to change himself. If he does not take action to pursue his dreams.
I learned to become independent and be responsible for my actions.
I learned that you will never know that being proud of me would have made you proud of yourself. Instead, I am proud of the man I have become.
Now, after I met you, I can’t say that you are dear to me. Instead, I learned not to hate you. I don’t even miss you anymore. Moreover, I would feel you like an obstacle in my path if you would be close.
Maybe one day I will have sons who will tell me “dad” just as I could never tell you that word.
So, I can tell you “thank you” for everything I have learned without your presence in my life and for not being part of i
(to whom others have explained what to be a son is like and what to be a father will be like.)
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